Healing Relationships through Love in Action

Where Does Shame Come From? Part I

2012-03-10T12:00:00.000-06:00

Shame is taught or learned in many ways. The following is not necessarily an exhaustive list. I’m sure there are many more ways that shame develops into self-defeating patterns in our lives. Even if you do not recognize the example as happening in your life, it may occur to you later on as you explore examples that are familiar to you. Shame-based people block out the past because it is so painful. Allow yourself time to explore your past. Universal criticism - It means that nothing I do is good enough. If I get three A’s and one B, then only the B is focused on. When I clean the house, the dust I missed in one corner is focused on. Neglect - You many have known that you are loved, but there was still a sense that something was missing or that something is wrong with you. This can come from lack of physical presence. On an unconscious level it comes from lack of emotional presence even when the physical presence is there. No rules - Children usually celebrate when they have no rules. The unconscious message is that they are not important enough to have rules. When there are no rules, parents do not pay attention to their children. Rules that could not be met - this occurs when rules are unreasonably high or too rigid to be met. The unconscious message is that something is wrong with you. Lack of touch - not to being held is very abusive. When you see your friends being hugged and you aren’t, the only way to understand it is that there must be something wrong with you.

Learn more by reading November 2011 Love in Action Newsletter @ Newsletter Archives

Shame vs. Guilt

2012-03-07T16:00:00.000-06:00

Shame (Webster) is defined as a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety; a condition of humiliating disgrace or disrepute, deep personal humiliation and disgrace, dishonorable conduct. There is a significant difference in the definitions of shame and guilt. Shame and guilt can exist simultaneously. Many times they do which is why they are confused and are not differentiated. Guilt is more concerned with doing something wrong. Making a mistake produces guilt. Guilty people fear punishment. Shame comes when a person is judged because of doing something wrong. Shame carries with it a feeling of not being wanted. Shame based people do not feel worthy. Shame carries with it a judgment that a person doesn’t measure up. This judgment can come from others. Most detrimentally, it comes from the person. A shame based person never gets away from their own self-condemnation. Physical characteristics of shame include: looking away from eye contact, a racing heart when in social situations, blushing, nausea, strong desire to get away, and the inability to speak or think. Shame people fear abandonment. Oh no, there’s that word again. Shame began in the Garden. The account of this can be found in Genesis, Chapter 3. Sin entered in where there had once been perfect love. This produced fear. Adam and Eve hid because they were afraid. They had become separated from God. I believe their fear was fear of abandonment. I believe they hid because they did not feel worthy (shame).

Learn more by reading October 2011 Love in Action Newsletter @ Newsletter Archives

What Exactly is Shame?

2012-03-03T12:00:00.000-06:00

I usually start out by asking a person to define guilt and then define shame. Write down your definition of guilt. Now, write down your definition of shame. Do this as a learning exercise. The answers I get are varied. They usually have a similar theme. Guilt is usually defined correctly. However, many of the characteristics of shame are included in definitions of guilt. Shame is rarely defined correctly. I don’t have empirical data to support that statement. However, that is my experience over the last 25 years of working with families. The definition of shame usually includes a blending of the two definitions. Sometimes when defining these terms people get confused. Many honestly say they just don’t know the difference. Without out knowing what shame is, it is impossible to deal with shame. Most of the time, people are trying to resolve guilt when in reality they are experiencing shame.

Learn more by reading October 2011 Love in Action Newsletter @ Newsletter Archives

Fear Buster #9 - Harmony

2012-02-29T16:00:00.000-06:00

Stress followed by fear can enter into my life or the life of my loved ones unexpectedly. I turn these challenges into opportunities to bring harmony, peace, and emotional regulation into my environment. I take three deep breaths and connect with God’s calming spirit. I can then bring encouragement and support into any challenge. I am able to offer compassion, understanding, and reassurance. As harmony becomes present, I am able to see the good in others and in their situation. God enables us to connect together in one spirit.

How very good and pleasant it is when kindred live together in unity. - Psalm 133:1

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Fear Buster #8 - Love

2012-02-25T12:00:00.000-06:00

I am determined to express love in everything I do. It can be a kind or considerate gesture.
It can be a supportive or thoughtful word. Love can be demonstrated in prayer. I allow my Christ nature to express itself at all times through my behavior, especially when I am parenting. I expect nothing in return, knowing that expressing love is a reward in itself. Every moment of every day is a celebration of love. I know that love drives out fear.

By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another. - John13:35

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Fear Buster #7 - Healing

2012-02-22T16:00:00.000-06:00

There times when I experience emotional and physical pain during the day. These experiences can be fleeting moments or they can linger. I pay attention to my body when it lets me know something is wrong. I take a stand against fear in these situations. In the past, I would allow fear to generate more emotional pain. Fear creates more tension and therefore increases my physical pain. I honor my pain as I turn to God for healing. As I breathe in, I begin to feel relaxed and refreshed. I focus on each part of my body and allow all tension to evaporate. I completely trust in God’s healing power of love. I celebrate feeling alive and free from pain.

He grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, being fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised. - Romans 4:20-21

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Fear Buster #6 - Joy

2012-02-18T12:00:00.000-06:00

Challenges in life can wear me down. I may become tired spiritually, emotionally, physically, and mentally. When this happens I lose my gratitude and joy. They are replaced by fear and anxiousness. Life becomes burdensome and heavy. I look to God to replace my joy which is my strength. I put a song of praise on my lips and in my heart. I pray and ask God for help. These simple acts of worship and praise begin to inspire me. My challenges become lighter. Joy replaces my fear.

For you, O Lord, have made me glad by your work; at the works of your hands I sing for joy. -Psalm 92:4

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Fear Buster #5 - Protection

2012-02-15T09:00:00.000-06:00

Situations in life can be troubling and cause distractions. My imagination gets wound up and I lose my focus. Doubt and fear begin to creep into my mind. I lose my peace. When this happens, I take time to pray. I breathe in God’s life-giving peace and begin to relax. I redirect my focus to God’s protection. I affirm that God is my protector. I affirm that God is present. As these words are placed in my spirit, my anxious thoughts are calm. I feel at peace because of God’s protection.

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. - Psalm46:1

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Fear Buster #4 - Expect Good

2012-02-11T09:00:00.000-06:00

I experience new situations and challenges every day. Many times new situations are stressful and create fear. My past blueprint of fear may cause me to expect an unpleasant outcome. I choose to let go of any fear-based blueprints. I breathe in deeply and ask God to take them away from me. I ask God to replace fear and dread with expecting good. I know that even in difficult circumstances, God’s guidance will not fail. My strength and energy during these times comes from God. I expect good in my life because that is what God wants for me.

For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Do not fear, I will help you.” - Isaiah 41:13

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Fear Buster #3 - Faith

2012-02-08T09:00:00.001-06:00

The world around me is constantly changing. Many times the changes are overwhelming and confusing. I can easily lose connection with my loved ones. This creates fear in me. This creates fear in my relationships. I can even begin to doubt God. Doubting God comes from fear. I breathe in deeply to help calm myself. I focus on God and his love for me. I allow the Holy Spirit to transcend all circumstances in my life. As I connect with the love of God, I reconnect with my loved ones. Fear and doubt goes away. My faith is strengthened and I face the world with confidence. I am empowered to face all my challenges, trusting the outcome to God.

Keep alert, stand firm in your faith, be courageous, and strong. Let all that you do be done in love. - 1Corinthians 16:13-14.

Read more about fear and parenting @ http://bit.ly/pBwc85

Fear Buster #2 - Inner Peace

2012-02-04T09:00:00.000-06:00

During difficult and unsettling times I can easily become distracted. I become focused on worries. Fear sets in. I feel restless and uneasy. I may obsess about the past or fantasize about the future. It is easy to forget who I am in God. I use prayer and meditation to connect with the spirit of God. I rediscover my inner strength. God’s peace gives me inner peace. With God’s help I feel secure in every circumstance. My faith is strengthened and I become an extension of God’s peace.

Keep on doing the things that you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, in the God of peace will be with you. - Phillipians 4:9

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Fear Buster #1 - Divine Order

2012-02-01T09:00:00.002-06:00

Daily challenges in life can bring about disorder and stress. Stress is a byproduct of my fear. I may feel out of control or that I am losing control in situations I do not know how to handle. I honor my fear and use it as an opportunity to learn. I breathe in and relax and ask for God’s guidance. As God guides me through any challenge, I gain understanding. I learn from these life lessons. God broadens my vision of what is happening. This allows me to see more of him at work.

Think over what I say, for the Lord will give you understanding in all things. - 2 Timothy 2:7

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Faith - Mindfulness Tip #8

2012-01-28T09:00:00.000-06:00

Faith allows me to see beyond by fears and challenges. When I doubt my faith or it is weakened by circumstances, I have lost my connection with God. I am not able to connect with my child and fear consumes both of us. When I am mindful of my fear, it ceases to control me. I breathe in and re-connect with God. God’s presence gives me re-assurance and guidance. I realize the goodness of God. I realize the miracles he has worked in my life. My faith is restored and strengthened. I am able to conned with my child and clam his fears. Together we are aware of God’s blessing. We are aware of his protection. We are aware that God will carry us through all of our challenges.

“And to the centurion Jesus said, 'Go; let it be done for you according to your faith.’” Matthew
8:13

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Staying in the Moment - Mindfulness Tip #7

2012-01-25T09:00:00.000-06:00

Obsessing about the past takes me out of the moment. Fantasizing about the future takes me out of the moment. Obsessing and fantasizing take me out of relationship with God. I cannot be in relationship with my child when I not in relationship with God. I cannot be present and mindful. I breathe deeply and slow down my thoughts. I connect with God. I capture and release all thoughts that are not focused on God. I experience all that God has for me in this moment. I experience wholeness and peace. I take this with me and connect with my child. Together we experience and affirm the goodness of God. We are free from fear. Through prayer and meditation we become aware of the endless possibilities God has waiting for us. All we need to do is stay connected and step into his grace. We are thankful for his goodness to us.

“A pleasant vineyard, sing about it! I, the Lord, am its keeper; every moment I water it.” Isaiah 27:2-3

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Trust - Mindfulness Tip #6

2012-01-21T09:00:00.000-06:00

Fear and doubt can steal my inner peace. When this happens, I breathe and enter into a time of silence. This allows me to connect with the peace of God. As I am still with God, I release all fear and doubt. My trust is restored. My thoughts become peaceful. My mind and heart are at peace. I am mindful of my inner peace and can connect with my child. Our emotions are aligned in peace. Our peace is more powerful that any challenges or concerns we face. Together, we affirm our peace through God. We are grateful for God’s blessing upon us.

“Trust in the Lord forever, for in the Lord God you have an everlasting rock.” Isaiah 26:4

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Rest - Mindfulness Tip #5

2012-01-18T09:00:00.000-06:00

I take time during the day to rest. I breathe and connect with the Holy Spirit. Jesus tells us to release our burdens to him. Jesus also took time to rest and re-connect with his Father. Breathing deeply and turning inward allows me to release any worries and distractions of the day. As I become more aware of the Christ within, I am at peace. I am more mindful and present to connect with my child. God’s inner peace refreshes us. We are focused and able to meet any challenges of the day. We are encouraged and strengthened by the Holy Spirit. Our burdens become light.

“Take my yoke upon you . . . and you will find rest for your souls.” Matthew 11:29

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United in Spirit - Mindfulness Tip #4

2012-01-14T09:00:00.000-06:00

I am able to share love, wisdom, understanding, and caring through being mindful and present with my child. These are gifts from God that I can give when I am connected with his spirit. All I need to do is to step into the presence of God. I do this through meditation and prayer. When I connect with my child, these gifts are automatically shared through our connection. Mindfulness with my child helps create an environment of peace and love. When this happens between us, we can then share it with others. God is always available. It is my responsibility to be mindful so I can help my child be more mindful and regulated. We accomplish this through the Holy Spirit.

“Finally, all of you have unity of spirit, sympathy, love for one another, a tender heart, and a humble mind. 1 Peter 3:8.

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Breathe - Mindfulness Tip #3

2012-01-11T09:00:00.000-06:00

Each deep breath I take helps me become centered and mindful. I become comfortable with being myself because I am not distracted by erroneous beliefs. I am aware of God’s presence and stay in the moment. As I breathe out, I release all worries and concerns. Distractions go away. It is now easy to be mindful and connect with my child. My child experiences my calmness and God’s presence. We become renewed and energized together. We face the day with confidence and oneness of purpose. God’s breathe of life continues to be a powerful, calming force in our lives. I am mindful and tuned in to my child.

“ . . . . and (God) breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.” Genesis 2:7

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Divine Inspiration - Mindfulness Tip #2

2012-01-07T09:00:00.001-06:00

The business of the day may over take my focus. My thoughts may drift back to the past or begin imagining the future. Either way, I lose my mindfulness of the moment. This takes me out of relationship with my child. I take several deep breaths and connect with God through meditation. Meditation helps me focus and is the foundation for greater awareness. I take control of all of my thoughts and turn away from negative thoughts. As I become regulated, I become open to divine inspiration. I listen for answers to challenges facing me and my child. As my burden is released, I can be present and mindful of my child. I connect with my child and we follow God’s guidance. We receive what God intends for us.

“All my words that I shall speak to you receive in your heart.” Ezekiel 3:10

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Inner Peace - Mindfulness Tip #1

2012-01-04T09:00:00.001-06:00

Jesus said “Peace! Be Still.” I claim these powerful words for myself when I need to regulate and become mindful. Silently I pray and breathe myself into the tranquility and peace of God. I become mindful of God’s presence and connect with my child. God’s presence assures us that everything will be OK. His presence assures us that we are safe. As my child remains connected to me, we are able to face any and all challengers together. We rely on God’s powerful presence. Just as Jesus calmed the storm, the storms in our life are calmed.

“He woke up and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, ‘Peace! Be still!’” Mark 4:39.

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Moving Forward

2011-12-31T09:00:00.000-06:00

New Years is usually a time of reflection. Use your time of reflection as a way for you continue forward in your journey. There may be things that still trouble you. There may be a need for grieving and forgiveness. Be mindful of these, but don’t let them weigh you down. Do the work necessary to help you move on. Celebrate your awareness of what you need to do. Too many times we allow our awareness of our struggles to become bondage. Realize that your awareness gives you a new perspective. Realize that your circumstances have changed. Realize that you have changed. Begin by letting go of more of the old. Bring with you the best from the past and create a new beginning. Use prayer and meditation to guide you.

“See, the former things have come to pass, and new things I now declare.” Isaiah 42:9

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HAPPY NEW YEAR ! HAPPY NEW YEAR !
HAPPY NEW YEAR ! HAPPY NEW YEAR !
HAPPY NEW YEAR ! HAPPY NEW YEAR !
HAPPY NEW YEAR !

Divine Order

2011-12-28T09:00:00.000-06:00

How can that be? We’re still in the midst of the holidays. The Christmas season brings many things into our lives. Our worldly focus is shifted to the birth of Christ. We are able to see family members who live a distance away. We exchange gifts and focus on giving. Christmas also brings stress. Our schedules are disrupted. We eat less on the healthy side. Christmas festivities can easily cause over stimulation which leads to dys-regulation. Divine order, just like love is always there. We need to be mindful of ourselves and our children. We then need to slow down and become attuned to the Holy Spirit. When we breathe and slow down, we are able to seek God that is in us. We begin to realize that God is working through us. Connecting with God gives us the inner peace we need to allow our lives to unfold as has it planned for us. Confusion and challenges disappear. It is not too late to take advantage of my special Christmas gift to you. Learn more about this @ http://bit.ly/w2Z0ki.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-23T09:00:00.000-06:00

For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace

Isaiah 9:6

Merry Christmas

Good Stress Needs Regulation Too

2011-12-21T09:00:00.000-06:00

Too many times we forget that good stress can cause dys-regulation too. Children as well as adults can get over simulated and have meltdowns. This kind of dys-regulation can be easily miss-understood as lack of appreciation or being self centered. I have heard parents respond by saying, “Well you had a good time and got what you wanted, isn’t that enough?” The problem is that it is usually more than enough emotional stimulation. Your child truly appreciates the party or fun time with his or her friends. Dys-regulation is dys-regulation regardless of good or bad stress. Dys-regulation causes confused and distorted thinking. The amygdala is aroused and oxytocin response is shut down. Result - TEMPER TANTRUM - for a seeming positive event. More than likely the parent is also over simulated and doesn’t realize that he or she is close to exceeding their window of tolerance. Try making your child’s world a little smaller and giving them Christmas excitement in smaller portions. Let the love and oxytocin flow through the holidays. Are you having difficulty as a parent slowing down and regulating? Get help learning to relax with one of my relaxation CDS @ http://bit.ly/oZ5uIO

Loving Words = Stress Busters

2011-12-17T11:17:00.000-06:00

Loving Words = Stress Busters

Ephesians 4:29 “Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, . . “. What a powerful statement. Through your words you have the power to change situations. Remember, God “spoke” the world into existence. You can choose to provoke anger, discouragement, resentment, and shame. Breathe, relax, and think before you speak. Allow yourself time to regulate and connect with the love of God so you can chose your words wisely. Chose words of grace, peace, appreciation, and encouragement. If you take time to reflect and become regulated, you allow the Holy Spirit to work in you and the person you may be having a conflict with. Given time, the person who has upset you will have time to regulate. They will be open to connecting with the love you offer through your words. Need help in getting regulated and connecting with God? Take advantage of my free gift to you @ http://bit.ly/w2Z0ki

Loving Behaviors

2011-12-14T10:33:00.000-06:00

Loving behaviors put into action a very powerful force. That force is God’s love that is in us. We have the ability to release this love when we stay connected to God. Love connects us to others and we then help them release the love of God that is within them. We appreciate and respect our family members and friends. We demonstrate forgiveness and grace. We see the good in ourselves and the good in others. The more love I give, the more my love grows because it is fueled by those around me. Conflict is replaced by a spirit of cooperation. Give more love this Christmas season and experience more love in your life. Love is always available. Take a few deep breathes and step into the love that is available.

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All My Needs II

2011-12-10T08:10:00.000-06:00

Philippians 4:19 says “And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.” In the previous blog I discussed God is our supply, he is dependable and gives us hope. Further more, God gives to us not out of, but according to his riches in glory. This means that we don’t get the left overs. We sit down and experience the entire banquet. God is on always on time. God always does it the right way. His works are designed specifically for each one of us. During our journey we experience many wounds, failures, and scars. These are also taken care of through forgiveness and God’s healing power. John 10:10 says “.......... I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” Don’t miss out this Christmas season. Freely accept what God has freely given. If you’re traveling alone along your journey, you’ll miss it. Connect with God and be blessed. Get my personal testimony “Spiritual Connection” @ http://bit.ly/oZ5uIO.

All I Need I

2011-12-07T09:18:00.000-06:00

Many of the parents who came to the parent camp in Wisconsin in November were first time participants. This usually means that they are exhausted all of their resources. Nothing they have tried works consistently for any length of time. These parents feel Ike they’re on a treadmill that takes them through crisis after crisis and things don’t get better. This is not at all a judgment or criticism. This is a common story from parents who have adopted or take in foster children. They are exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically. I am encouraged to say the Bryan Post’s Stress Model gives parents hope because it works. Even when using these strategies, parenting children with challenging behaviors can be exhausting. This is when we need to use our spiritual resources. Philippians 4:19 says “And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.”

God is the source of our supply. He gave us Jesus which is a gift that indwells in us. We do not have to depend on our own abilities or strength. All our needs are met through God’s endless supply. We can always depend on God. God pursued us. God is loyal and faithful even when we are not and don’t deserve it. The gift of Jesus gives us hope as our savior. We then look forward to the promise of mercy and grace that came from the resurrection and empty tomb. Be grateful this season for the gift of Jesus. Read about Jesus - the Gift of Relationship @ http://bit.ly/pBwc85. More to follow in next blog.

What Do I Give?

2011-12-03T10:33:00.001-06:00

This question goes through my mind every year when my family draws names for our gift exchange. I am not very creative when it comes to gift giving. My practicality urges me to get something useful. Get something that person needs. It must be useful. These messages are part of my blueprint. Not that being practical isn’t beneficial. It does have its merits. Our blueprints can make it difficult to be flexible. I also realize that I am fighting the flesh. The flesh focuses on material things and resists spiritual things. I am becoming more aware of how the message of Jesus has been lost at Christmas. After all, Christmas decorations went on sale before Halloween in my area. I am not asking you to give up or change your holiday traditions and celebrations. I would ask you to shift more of your focus to the greatest gift of all. John 3:16 says that “God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son”. Let’s all try to give the gift that keeps on giving. The gift of love. Love continues to give forgiveness, mercy, grace, compassion, and acceptance. You don’t have to shop for it and you don’t have to stand in line to get it. It’s always available and as Corinthians 13:8 tells us “Love never fails”. Jesus won’t fail you. Read more about this by going to http://bit.ly/pBwc85 and read “Jesus the Gift of Relationship” in my archived articles.

Restin in the Lord

2011-11-30T09:04:00.000-06:00

I didn’t blog last week during the week of Thanksgiving because the Sunday before Thanksgiving I had just returned from a parent camp in Wisconsin with Bryan Post. Catching up on four days of snail and e-mail and getting ready for the shortened week took all my energy and focus. I didn’t realize how emotionally and physically drained I was until the Saturday after Thanksgiving. I hadn’t slowed down and taken any time for myself. Even though Thanksgiving was a down day, it still involved travel and being away from my secure home base. I hadn’t taken the time to reflect and process my experience at the parent camp. Although always rewarding, parent camps are emotionally draining as I am challenged by my own issues being triggered. I am constantly telling parents to take care of themselves so they will be emotionally available for their children. I realize how hard this is. Sometimes it’s hard for me and I’m not raising several children with challenging behaviors.

I started this week out feeling refreshed and energized. On Monday I was able to accomplish a lot of tasks. My thinking was clear and I was able to focus and not be distracted by the interruptions that are always a part of my day. I am writing about this to simply re-enforce how important it is for all of us to take care of ourselves. Even Jesus took a break from the crowds to go rest. If it’s good for Jesus, then I believe it is good for us also. A significant part of me taking care of myself is maintaining and enhancing my spiritual connection. This connection is vital to all that I do. It leads, guides and directs me. In my “busyness” I had lost connection with the Lord. Make a commitment this December to give your self the gift of self care and resting in the Lord. To learn more about my testimony and integrating Biblical truths with Bryan Post’s Stress Model, go to http://bit.ly/oZ5uIO and get a copy of my CD “Spiritual Connection”.

Fear & Adoption IV

2011-11-19T06:24:00.001-06:00

I received an e-mail from a foster mother who was very distressed. I could feel her desperation and urgency. Amber and her husband John have two foster children, ages three months (Sally) and three years (Rod). Rod will soon be leaving to go back to his biological mother. Amber and John have plans to adopt the three month old, Sally. Without knowing any history of either one of the parents, think about the triggers for fear. Here’s just a few. Grief of Rod leaving. Fear of how his biological mother will treat him. Self doubt that they did mpt do enough for Rod. Being divided between Sally and Rod and how to give both of them what they need. Feeling of failure with Rod because he’s been very dys-regulated due to leaving. Pressure from agencies as to why Rod is struggling. Being criticized because they do not follow “tradition” parenting of time out and consequences. How can we be good enough parents for Sally when we failed with Rod? Emotional distance in the marriage. Will we be trusted with other foster children?

All of these would be normal triggers for the most well adjusted foster family who has done a lot of healing work. This couple is very young in age. They have not been married very long. Both admit that they have unresolved issues of their own. I am encouraged that they are brave enough to take a closer look at themselves. The last line of the e-mail stated that “We are exhausted and want our life back.” How many times have you said that? That thought has crossed my mind and my child is grown and has been on her own for 18 years. I am not writing about this to be judgmental or critical. This couple and all foster/adoptive families face tremendous challenges. They face fear day in and day out. I am writing to raise awareness of these challenges. But most importantly, I am writing to encourage you and others to give these families unconditional support and encouragement. They need our love and non-judgmental support. It would be easy to say, “well, they shouldn’t have adopted if they knew they had issues.” “What’s wrong with them, didn’t they know this would happen when they adopted?” Please don’t go there with anyone who has opened their homes and hearts to a child who needs a family. Love them where they’re at and join them in their journey. To find out more about fear and adoption, review Bryan Post’s book “From Fear to Love” - Parenting Difficult Adopted Children at http://bit.ly/oZ5uIO

Fear & Adoption III

2011-11-16T15:16:00.001-06:00

I recently spent a few days visiting my “adoptive kids” Trey and Chenoa. Trey is a “love miracle”, crack cocaine baby. Trey was adopted at birth. When he came home he was greeted by Ella. Ella was a very large, cuddly dog. Trey’s mother, sister, and Ella loved him into health. Ella became a big part of Trey’s emotional safety and regulation. Ella tragically died three years later. This was devastating for the entire family. They are still grieving this loss. While I was there, Trey started talking about Ella. He felt safe and regressed emotionally. He has also done this before with his mother. His mother has struggled as to how to help him. Her immediate response (actually it’s a reaction which I’ll explain later) is to get him another dog. When Trey started talking about Ella and crying, she asked me what to do. I told her breathe, relax, and be present. I pulled Trey onto my lap and held him. I validated his grief feelings and gave him a short narrative about losing Ella. “I told him what it was like for him when he first came into this world. It was a scary place and he was sick. Ella was there to comfort him. His mother and Chenoa were there to comfort him.” Not only is Trey grieving what he remembers, but he is also grieving his pre-verbal trauma. This short narrative gave his left brain words to his right brain’s pre-verbal experience. I explained to his mother that her fear of doing this with Trey caused her to try to fix him by buying him a dog. That’s why I called her response a reaction. Her unconscious fear was that she would need to re-visit that time in Trey’s life on an emotional level. That can be hard for any of us to do when our child’s trauma is part of our trauma. Remember fear says “fix it” and love says “allow it to heal”. Read Trey’s complete story. Go to http://bit.ly/pBwc85 and read “Adoption - Love Affair”.

Are You Worthy?

2011-11-12T09:03:00.001-06:00

This may seem like a very odd or unusual question. If the answer is no or you doubt this about yourself, it will be a challenge along your parenting journey. November is Nation Adoption Awareness Month. My work focuses on helping families have successful adoptions. The definition of a successful adoption is probably as varied as the number of families with adopted chidlren. An essential ingredient for a successful adoption is how parents feel about themselves. In the DVD - Trauma, Brain & Relationship - Helping Children Heal, Judyth O. Weaver, PhD, Santa Barbara Graduate Institute says that “We need to work with parents who can feel good enough about themselves so that they can allow their children to feel good enough...” Feeling good about yourself is defined by your self worth or self definition. These definitions are a function of shame. Shame is a self defeating belief that we are not worthy, not good enough, and don’t measure up. Shame is a belief of being inherently flawed and therefore undeserving of any success or happiness. I encourage you to take a hard look at yourself and explore shame in your life. Not sure what shame is? Find out by reading October, 2011 Love in Action Newsletter “What Exactly is Shame?”Go to http://bit.ly/nNyPn6

Challenge of Adoption - Never Give Up

2011-11-10T10:15:00.000-06:00

November is National Adoption Awareness Month. With it comes the mention of the negative aspects of adoption. The story about the parents who returned their adopted children to Russia has re-surfaced. Unfortunately, there are failed adoptions. Most any parent whose child has challenging behaviors has reached the end of their rope. This can also happen with parents whose children may not have these challenging behaviors. Where does a parent find hope? The only true and consistent source of hope comes from Jesus Christ. Jesus never gives up on us. As hard as that may be, that is what is expected of us as parents. I recently heard a teaching sermon on this that really spoke to me. It is by Brian Zahn, Word of Life Church, St. Joseph, MO. Pastor Zahn narrates the story of Peter as told by John in John 21. Jesus never gave up on Peter, even after Peter forsake him. Jesus never gives up on us or our chidlren. We have to draw on our faith to allow Jesus to work in and through us so that we never give up. Humanly impossible? Yes, without Jesus. Jesus prays that Peter’s “faith may not fail” him, Luke 22:32. Parent with courage and strength from the Holy Spirit. To listen to or download the pod cast of Brian Zahn’s sermon, go to http://wolc.com/podcast/ Sunday, October, 30, 2011

Fear & Adoption II

2011-11-05T09:33:00.001-05:00

This real life adoption story comes from a foster mother. I’ll call her Tina and her 3 year old foster child I’ll call Sam. Tina is new at utilizing the Post Stress Model in her foster home. Sam has been with them for approximately six months. He’s made fairly good progress and at one time Tina and her husband were considering adoption. That did not materialize because the biological mother has stepped up to the plate and there are plans for re-infatuation in the next month or so. Sam had been presenting some challenges lately. These challenges occurred because a three month old was brought into the foster home. The addition of a three month old triggered everyone’s unconscious fears. Everyone’s window of tolerance was decreased. Due to this additional stress, Tina began to question what she was doing. In her emotional exhaustion, she wondered if she should continue trying to connect with Sam because he would be leaving in a few weeks anyway. Her rational was that why increase more closeness for him to grieve? I understand how and why she got to this place. Daniel Segal states (paraphrase) that from studies of resilience, if a child has one care giver that he feels securely attached to, then that one secure attachment will increase that’s child resilience through out his or her life (from the DVD Trauma, Brain &Relationship - Helping Children Heal). I shared this with Tina. I also told her that continuing to connect with Sam and increasing their closeness would actually help him grieve. It would help him grieve not only now, but also in the future. Her closeness with him would continue to facilitate healing in his life. If she allowed her fear to interfere in their relationship between now and adoption time, Sam would experience more rejection. Our fears can easily take us out of relationship with our children. Tina became aware of her fear of not being adequate enough for Sam and the new baby. Her fear took her to a place to cause her to withdraw. She then needed a rationalization to justify what she was doing, which she intuitively knew was wrong. I’m not judging her, but pointing this out as a learning situation for all of us. All we have is what is in the moment. I challenge you ask yourself in each situation with your child - “What can I do to improve my relationship with my child at this very moment?”

To find out more about fear and adoption, review Bryan Post’s book “From Fear to Love” - Parenting Difficult Adopted Children at http://bit.ly/oZ5uIO

Fear & Adoption I

2011-11-02T08:59:00.001-05:00

November is Adoption Awareness Month. This provides me with an opportunity to write about real life adoption situations. I’ll call this adopted 6 year old girl Abby. Her adoptive mother, Gretta, is very much on board with the Post Stress Model. Abby is struggling in school. There are several situations in school that are overwhelming to her sensory and neurological system. Abby is very bright and does not have any external scars. She internalizes her stress reactions. This has made it difficult to advocate for her because the school says that she doesn’t “look” stressed. Since her performance is above average, the school doesn’t understand the problem. Gretta has provided the school with numerous resources that explain neurological processes and adoption trauma. Unfortunately they don’t “get it”. This is a common challenge for many adoptive parents. Abby’s mother will probably make the decision to home school Abby. As I processed this decision with Gretta, there was a sense of desperation in her voice. I helped her slow down and identify what was triggering her stress. They live in a small town and there was the fear of criticism and the “looks” that they already get from the community. Another unconscious fear that was being triggered was Gretta’s fear of not being a good enough teacher at home. Still another unconscious fear was not doing enough or doing the right things to help Abby resolve her adoption issues. These are all fears that are common and normal for most any parent who’s child has challenging behaviors. In this particular case, I always re-direct Gretta back to keeping it simple. Sometimes she complicates things when there is regression. Fear does this, we urge ourselves to fix it. Remember, fear says fix it, and love says allow it to heal. I suggested that Gretta rely on the strategies and interventions that have always worked in the past. Being mindful and present is the bottom line for parenting and connecting in relationship. Sure, there are certain strategies that will help. However, without being present and mindful, the best strategies available will not work. As I was writing this, the words “be still and know that I am God” kept resonating in my spirit. I couldn’t find that exact reference but there are many references in the Bible to the assurances of God. Joel 2:29 (Message) says “And ye shall know that I am in the midst of Israel, and that I am Jehovah your God, and there is none else; and my people shall never be put to shame.” Our children, whether adopted or not, need to know that we are always there for them. It is our challenge to be mindful and present for them just as our Heavenly Father is always present for us.

To find out more about fear and adoption, review Bryan Post’s book “From Fear to Love” - Parenting Difficult Adopted Children at http://bit.ly/oZ5uIO

ADHD - Are You Sure?

2011-10-29T07:57:00.000-05:00

I felt compelled to write about this because I was angry at the medical profession the other day. I was working with a recently divorced mother who had come to me for help with her two young children. They had all experienced the trauma from chronic arguments between the parents and the unpredictability of an alcoholic father. The son, who was 9 years old, had been experiencing night terrors and difficulty concentrating in school. She then told me that he had been diagnosed with ADHD and is taking a stimulant drug. This is the preferred diagnosis by several doctors in this area. I wasn’t surprised by this. I was outraged. I kept regulated and didn’t share my outrage with the mother. She didn’t need that. As I explained the stress model, I suggested that her son’s symptoms were more indicative of anxiety and trauma. Then she told me her son was also on a “worry pill”, Zoloft. I explained to her that anxiety and depression symptoms can be miss understood (in my opinion miss diagnosed) as ADHD if the emotional trauma history isn’t included as part of the assessment process. She completely understood this. Now, I’m not a doctor, but I question giving a stressed out child a stimulant. As of this writing, the stimulant has not slowed down this child’s thinking. If medication is going to be used, I believe that the Zoloft is probably the more appropriate medication based on information provided by the mother. I suspect the stimulant exacerbated the some symptoms and then the need for another medication. I am not suggesting that you take your child off a prescribed medication without consulting your doctor. What I am suggesting is talking to your child’s doctor about the diagnosis and how that diagnosis was derived. If your child’s trauma history was not part of the assessment, then advocate for your child that this be considered and get a second or third opinion.

Power of Relationship

2011-10-26T10:04:00.000-05:00

I recently talked with a mother who was very distressed about her adult daughter. Her daughter’s drug addition had gotten worse. So had the consequences for her daughter. As we talked, it was apparent that the mother was experiencing secondary trauma as a result of her daughter’s behavior. She came to me because of my experience with addictions and because I’m a Christian counselor. As we talked, she disclosed that her support system kept telling her what to do. They kept giving her advice. She began doubting her sanity because she couldn’t do what she needed to do. That is a desperate place for any of us. I was able to validate her where she was at emotionally. I had her breathe through her trauma feelings and she immediately felt some relief. Finally, some one listened. Isn’t that what we all really what? We usually have the answers to our problems or we will soon get there. I don’t doubt that her support system cared for her. What they lacked was a window of tolerance to be able to handle another’s trauma. I explained to her that we live in an emotion phobic society. It is too hard for others to listen to our pain. So to avoid our own pain, we give advice. This really doesn’t help the person we’re trying to support. It takes us out of relationship with them and they stay stuck. It’s a challenge to all of us to listen to the pain of others. We need to be in a love relationship with them. Find out about “The Power of Relationship”. Go to http://bit.ly/pBwc85

Divine Order

2011-10-22T11:05:00.001-05:00

Divine Order
This week end I went to Kansas City to celebrate my grand children’s birthdays. At the last minute, my daughter was called into work. Initially, that really upset the apple cart for Sunday. Eventually, it all worked out. We all experience “curve balls” in life. When this happens it’s easy to “perceive” that our world is out of control. That perception is fear based. According to Max Lucado, “Fear creates a form of spiritual amnesia. It makes us forget what Jesus has done and how good God is.” Spiritually, there is divine order and harmony in all things. God is always working behind the scenes in our lives. When we are not always aware of what is happening, we get fearful when life throws us a curve ball. We don’t always understand some of the challenges we experience. We can count on God. We can count on love. Both are always there, we just need to step into God’s presence and experience his love.

Are you having difficulty learning to relax and clear your mind? To help you and your child with this , I have just released a set of six relaxation CDs designed to help you and your child learn to relax Each CD focuses on a specific behavior that your child may find to be a challenge. So in addition to learning to relax, you and your child will learn a new skill to reduce a specific behavior. I am offering a FREE relaxation CD of your choice when you subscribe to either my free Love in Action Newsletter or free weekly Christian Parent Wisdom. Go to http://bit.ly/pBDTqY to take advantage of this offer.

Grace

2011-10-19T08:16:00.000-05:00

During challenging times we can become discouraged. Our outlook can become negative and we become fearful. During these times we need to reach outside of ourselves and tap into God’s grace. Grace is God’s gift to us. Where do we find it? It is found all around us. We can experience God’s grace in the touch of a loved one. We can experience it in the laughter of a child. The grace of God can be seen through the gifts of friendship, home, work, and community. John 1:16 “From his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.”

Are you having difficulty learning to relax and clear your mind? To help you and your child with this , I have just released a set of six relaxation CDs designed to help you and your child learn to relax Each CD focuses on a specific behavior that your child may find to be a challenge. So in addition to learning to relax, you and your child will learn a new skill to reduce a specific behavior. I am offering a FREE relaxation CD of your choice when you subscribe to either my free Love in Action Newsletter or free weekly Christian Parent Wisdom. Go to http://bit.ly/pBDTqY to take advantage of this offer.

Patience

2011-10-15T08:47:00.000-05:00

I am always told “Don’t pray for patience” because God will give you something to be patient for. I suppose that may be true. I do know that many times patience eludes me. That can be for many reasons. Those reasons can all be traced back to a fear base. Fear is simply a lack of faith. In order to be more patient, I believe that we need to strengthen our faith. Ever try to sit down and be “patient”? That doesn’t work for me. That’s kind of like telling some one to not think of a pink elephant. How is our faith strengthened? Here are a few suggestions. Spend time in prayer and meditation. Read the word of God. Fellowship with fellow believers. Ask for support. Grow in your understanding that all things happen in God’s time. Practice kindness and compassion. And finally, love others where they are at, not where you want them to be. These can all be challenging. To begin this process I always need to take a few deep breaths, relax, and clear my mind.

Are you having difficulty learning to relax and clear your mind? To help you and your child with this , I have just released a set of six relaxation CDs designed to help you and your child learn to relax Each CD focuses on a specific behavior that your child may find to be a challenge. So in addition to learning to relax, you and your child will learn a new skill to reduce a specific behavior. I am offering a FREE relaxation CD of your choice when you subscribe to either my free Love in Action Newsletter or free weekly Christian Parent Wisdom. Go to http://bit.ly/pBDTqY to take advantage of this offer.

Classroom Maintenance

2011-10-12T21:51:00.001-05:00

The school year is underway. Hopefully, students and teachers have settled into their new environments. Unfortunately, this is not true for everyone. I know this from my on going consultations with schools and teachers. Unless a teacher is well versed in the stress model, it is easy for them to slide back into their old paradigm. Learning to use a new strategy takes time. Stress causes some of this regression. I try to keep the focus on keeping it simple. It is too easy for behavior to become the focus. Remember, negative behaviors are a symptom of dys-regulation. Children need adults to help them become regulated. Too many times a child is allowed to become dys-regulated too long and a melt down occurs. Then it takes a lot of time and energy for regulation to take place. Keeping it simple also includes being aware of symptoms of dys-regulation before it becomes out of control of the child. It’s no different that maintenance of a car. I don’t think any one of us would wait to change the oil when we start to hear metal grinding. I believe that maintenance in relationship with a child will reduce dys-regulation and meltdowns. The time invested up-front is always much less that the time it takes to pick up all the emotional pieces. Oxytocin is essential in the regulation process. Teachers can learn to generate oxytocin in their classroom. Find out the importance of oxytocin, go to http://www.fastcompany.com/1784836/paul-zak-guggenheim-lab . Deep breathing, relaxation, and meditation are natural ways to stimulate your oxytocin. Are you having difficulty learning to relax and clear your mind. To help you and your child with this , I have just released a set of six relaxation CDs designed to help you and your child learn to relax Each CD focuses on a specific behavior that your child may be a challenge. So in addition to learning to relax, you and your child will learn a new skill to reduce a specific behavior. I am offering a FREE relaxation CD of your choice when you subscribe to either my free Love in Action Newsletter or free weekly Christian Parent Wisdom. Go to http://bit.ly/pBDTqY to take advantage of this offer.

Double Standard

2011-10-08T09:21:00.001-05:00

This is one of those life experiences that just jump out at me. It is so indicative of parenting, even Godly parenting. The parent, who I’ll call John, was wanting his grandson to apologize to his grandmother for lying. Of course the grandson refused and an hour and a half later finally apologized and he and his grandfather connected. You may ask, Why did it take that long? Why did the grandson have to completely melt down and then become emotionally vulnerable for the grandfather to connect with him. I’m sure there was some unconscious fear being triggered in the grandfather and he probably felt disrespected along with the disrespect toward his wife of being lied to. What he did is not in alignment with the stress model. That’s not what I’m writing about, even though I am challenging what John did from the stress model perspective. I have the utmost respect for John. John is truly a Godly man in every aspect of his life. That’s why I am challenging what he did from the spiritual perspective. John was talking during a Bible study. He expected his grandson to apologize, that is admit his sin immediately. Not only was John putting pressure on his grandson to admit his sin, he was expecting him to confess in front of an audience of two other grandchildren. How many of us admit our sin immediately and willingly? How many of us admit our sin when it’s demanded of us by another person? Of course when we do admit our sin, we gather an audience around so all can hear. I entered the Bible study discussion by saying that as adults we are no different than the grandson. I went on to say that the difference is that as adults we allow ours selves the time, place, and opportunity to admit our sin when we’re ready. Everyone nodded their head in agreement. However, I suspect that the point I was trying to make went right over most of their heads. I had planted one of many seeds regarding parenting in this Bible study. If we are using God as our model parent, we need to do what he does. God is a gentleman. He does not demand anything. We know the rules and when we break them we are convicted internally. God does not point his finger at us and say get the neighborhood together and confess. We throw our adult tantrums and hopefully sooner than later we fess up. You realize that adult tantrums are totally socially acceptable because as adults we can do that. Tantrums are not acceptable for our children. How dare they throw a tantrum and be disobedient children. If John would have started out where he ended up, there would have been 1 & ½ hours less of negative feedback reinforcement. How about going to your child in love and saying “When you lie it hurts my feelings and I get scared for you.”? What about saying “When you lie I don’t feel close to you and I don’t like it when lies interfere in our relationship.”? Let the child’s conscious work on him to help develop internal changes rather than force changes from the outside. Changes forced from the outside don’t have lasting affects on behavior because it happens under stress. God changes us from the inside out. Too many times we try to change others from the outside in. As humans, we get it backwards much of the time. Aren’t you glad God is God and keeps things in order? As parents we need to afford our chidlren the same mercy and grace that our Heavenly Father affords us. Get away from the double standard we have and live by God’s standard. You can read a similar article about the same grandfather by going to Ken’s Articles @ http://bit.ly/pBwc85 and reading Life Lessons. Having difficulty relaxing? Take advantage of my FREE relaxation CD offer @ http://bit.ly/pBDTqY

Oxytocin in The Fall Air

2011-10-05T17:30:00.001-05:00

I took my grandson to the “Fall Classic” on Saturday. This has been an annual event at Arrowhead Stadium for the past ten years between Pitt State and Northwest Missouri State University. It starts out the Friday before with pep rallies, cook out, and of course tailgates the day of the game. The anticipation of the game generates a lot of excitement. I could “feel” it as I left the chiropractor’s office yesterday. The office is in an area where a lot of college students live. They were out in their yards, throwing the football and being college kids. Erik was looking forward to meeting up with first time friends he made last year to throw the football and be kids. When we arrived at the game we were greeted by fellow tail gaiters with smiles and brauts. What does all of the have to do with oxytocin? The activities, anticipation and positive interaction all stimulate oxytocin. Oxytocin is a hormone that increases in response to stress and is associated with good social skills such as empathy and enjoying the company of others. Read the research about this at ironbearfitness.wordpress.com/.../psychologists-discover-oxyt. There are many ways to stimulate your oxytocin. Obviously there isn’t a football classic available when you need an oxytocin boost. Deep breathing, relaxation, and meditation are natural ways to stimulate your oxytocin. Are you having difficulty learning to relax and clear your mind. To help you and your child with this , I have just released a set of six relaxation CDs designed to help you and your child learn to relax Each CD focuses on a specific behavior that your child may be a challenge. So in addition to learning to relax, you and your child will learn a new skill to reduce a specific behavior. I am offering a FREE relaxation CD of your choice when you subscribe to either my free Love in Action Newsletter or free weekly Christian Parent Wisdom. Go to http://bit.ly/pBDTqY to take advantage of this offer.

2011-10-03T20:16:00.000-05:00

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Get Your Oxytocin Stimulated

2011-10-01T07:56:00.000-05:00

Oxytocin has received a lot of attention lately. Research is finding out more and more about this human stress hormone. There are now products you can use to help stimulate your oxytocin. I’ve heard mixed reviews on these products. If you chose to use these, I would recommend you do some research and be an educated consumer. I do know that there are natural ways to stimulate your oxytocin. Breathing and relaxing are interventions to reduce anxiety and fear. They have been around a long time and are effective. If you need help in developing these skills, I have a solution for you. You can read more about oxytocin by visiting this link. http://www.examiner.com/political-buzz-in-newark/oxytocin-the-love-hormone
I am offering a FREE relaxation CD of your choice when you subscribe to either my free Love in Action Newsletter or free weekly Christian Parent Wisdom. Go to http://bit.ly/pBDTqY to take advantage of this offer.

Be Quick to Forgive

2011-09-28T08:04:00.000-05:00

Forgiveness was brought to may attention first thing this past Monday morning. A person I pray with every morning on a conference call prayer line experienced a drive by shooting this past week end. His van was hit by two bullets while at a cook out in a near by neighborhood. He was grateful that no one was hurt. As he was praying, he prayed about forgiving those who did the shooting. As I thought about this, I wasn’t sure I could get to that point as quickly as he did. He took action, knowing what he needed to do whether he waned to or not. Forgiveness takes action on our part. Read more in Love in Action, September, 2011 Newsletter. http://bit.ly/nNyPn6

Rejection by Our Children

2011-09-24T09:22:00.003-05:00

When our chidlren do not do what we want them to, our unconscious gets triggered. It may be fear that our child will get hurt or that something bad may happen to them. This is a fairly normal, common reaction. I ask parents to explore is how much their child’s disobedience felt like a rejection. Many parents are willing to go to that deeper level. Rejection carriers a tremendous amount of fear with it. That is because fear of rejection is usually a core issue with most people. As much as we don’t want to admit it, it truly is. Wednesday’s blog talked about a mother who medicated her hurt by giving a consequence. Consequences keep us out of relationship with our children. I understand why she did this. She didn’t want to be rejected again. However, she was allowing her fear of what would happen create a negative neurological feed back loop of mutual rejection. We do this so many times. Our fear of what happens creates dys-regulation. What we fear the most happens. As parents, we want our children to love us. We expect that, when in fact much of the time our children are not capable of loving themselves and therefore cannot love us. As parents, we have to feel good enough about ourselves to handle rejection from our children so that we can love them into a place of loving themselves and loving us back. Children experience consequences as a rejection of themselves. This causes them to be dys-regulated and reject us out of their fear of being hurt again. The challenge of parenting is to love yourself enough to be able to handle what ever your child brings to you. Isn’t that the way God does it? We are never rejected by God, even when we don’t or can’t love him. Remember, he loved us first and sought after us. Read my article “The Power of Relationship” for more on this at http://bit.ly/pBwc85.

Rejectio by Our Children

2011-09-24T09:22:00.001-05:00

Consequences - a Parent’s Elixir for Fear

2011-09-21T16:17:00.001-05:00

I just had to write about this experience. A mother had given her son a consequence of writing three pages front and back for a negative behavior. If you are familiar with the stress model, you know this is not an effective solution to this or any behavior problem. As we were discussing this, I could tell that initially, she was on the defensive side. Her first comment was that she was going to keep the consequence even though she knew it wouldn’t work. I broke out in a little chuckle. So did she. This broke her defensiveness. Normally, I wouldn’t have chuckled at a parent. However, I have a good relationship with this parent. She usually knows where I’m going when I ask her to talk about a parenting situation. She then followed it up with saying that she wanted help to find a solution for the problem. We discussed what she needed to do to get re-connected with her son. Then she could help him resolve the stress that was causing the negative behavior. She was very aware that her and her son had become disconnected in their relationship lately. Bottom line, she was feeling rejected and was medicating her pain by giving her son a consequence to make her feel better. Read my article “Consequences” for more on this at http://bit.ly/pBwc85 Saturday’s blog will talk more about her “rejection”.

Be a Sensory Detective for Your Child at School

2011-09-17T08:19:00.000-05:00

Secure environments in the school have more to do with emotional safety verses physical safety. Most children easily feel physically safe in school. Emotional safety may be much more difficult to obtain, especially for children with trauma histories. It is imperative to understand that the brains of children with trauma histories operate differently. They are susceptible to any number of external stimuli that can trigger fear. These triggers can be connected to traumatic events that date as far back as birth. Normal, everyday stimuli in the environment may not be normal for traumatized children. Noises, lights, movements, temperature, smells and transitions can easily be over looked and then your child gets punished for an emotional reaction they have no control over. Remember that stress causes confused and distorted thinking and suppresses short term memory. This interferes with learning and contributes to negative behaviors and attitudes. Be an advocate for your child in the school. More resources available at http://bit.ly/pBwc85

Hearing From God

2011-09-14T08:28:00.000-05:00

I find it interesting how God affirms what we do in our lives. This month I have been writing about forgiveness. October’s Love in Action Newsletter will have more on forgiveness. Sunday was the 10 year anniversary of 9/11. That whole event and how it has affected our country speaks to the need for forgiveness. At church this morning the sermon focused on Philippians 1:1-6. The Apostle Paul talks about thanksgiving and prayer. These are important if w are to ever get to a place of forgiveness. We watched a testimony of the wife of a pilot whose plane crashed into one of the twin towers. Out entire congregation was in tears. She took what was meant for evil and has turned it into good for her life. Find out more about forgiveness in my August, 2011 Love in Action Newsletter http://bit.ly/njHTGd

2011-09-10T12:05:00.001-05:00

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What Does Anger Have to do with Forgiveness?

2011-09-10T10:09:00.001-05:00

Forgiveness is an event, not a process. In this process, anger is the starting point. If you don’t believe you’re angry, then how do you identify your anger? I suggest that people pay attention to their bodies. Anger symptoms can be experienced physically. Headaches, sweaty palms, dizziness, getting red-faced, stomachaches and grading your teeth are a few physical symptoms. Emotionally you may feel like running away, feel guilty and resentful, lash out, become anxious, or get depressed. Anger may be expressed through your behavior. Substance-abuse, sarcasm, withdrawal, yelling or screaming, and any form of physical or verbal abuse may be signs of anger. Resentments are part of our anger. We carry resentments around with us for a number of reasons. Living with universal criticism, always being put down, and never being good enough fuel resentments. Being discounted and not having our feelings validated are another source of a resentments. Other sources of resentments are: sibling comparisons, comparison to another relative, any kind of abusive touch, being expected to know how to do things without being taught, not being allowed to make mistakes, and body shame. If you are still struggling with this, I recommend taking additional help. There are many tools and books to help you with this. It is imperative to own and understand your anger and resentments. This is your truth. Otherwise, it will be very difficult to initiate a healthy forgiveness process. Remember this is a process. Become honest with yourself as you can. This may be a painful process. Read complete article on forgiveness at http://bit.ly/nNyPn6

Workplace Ministry

2011-09-06T20:20:00.000-05:00

Labor Day, is a creation of the labor movement and is dedicated to the social and economic achievements of American workers. It constitutes a yearly national tribute to the contributions workers have made to the strength, prosperity, and well-being of our country. Obviously, our work and our labor are important to us because that’s how we provide for our families. As Christians, we need to place additional importance on our workplace. I’ve heard it said many times the workplace is the largest untapped mission field for Christians. I believe that myself. We easily spend 40+ hours a week at our jobs or careers. Our office or our factory needs to be looked at as our church. Our employees are our congregation. If you’re a student, then your mission filed is your campus. Now I realize that many of you may work in environments are not conducive to actually speaking the word of God. In some cases, like schools, it may be strictly prohibited. Our actions, attitudes, and behaviors can speak louder than words. We can demonstrate Christian principles and thus spread the word of God by example. Matthew 7:20 says “Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.” There also may be opportunities for you to actually verbally witness to fellow employees. We are outlets for God working in and through us. “Whatever your hand finds to do, do with your might” Ecclesiastes 9:10. Some of you may feel that you’re not ready for this. I totally understand that. You would think, that as a counselor, it would be easy to witness to my clients. After all, I have a captive audience. My platform is already set for “giving advice” and talking to people. I have to admit that for me it wasn’t that easy. When I decided to be a Christian counselor verses a counselor that is a Christian, God told me I wasn’t ready yet. Find out more about my story of being transformed into a Christian counselor in this exclusive interview with Bryan Post. Go to my website http://bit.ly/oZ5uIO and get a copy of my CD, Spiritual Connection.

More on Forgiveness

2011-09-04T07:42:00.000-05:00

I ask people to not shut the door on forgiveness. I’m convinced many people think they just can’t forgive. If this is their reality, then I try to move them closer believing forgiveness is possible. A word search finds 136 references to forgive or forgiveness in the NIV Bible. This many references tells me forgiveness is an important concept. Especially when it appears in red ink. Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” Luke 23:34
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13. I believe we need the mercy and grace of Jesus to forgive those things that have hurt us the most. By ourselves, we don’t have it in us to forgive at that deep a level.

Find out more about forgiveness in my August, 2011 Love in Action Newsletter http://bit.ly/njHTGd

Forgiveness

2011-09-02T08:52:00.001-05:00

I experience two extremes when talking about forgiveness to families. There are those who think they have forgiven but haven’t. Then there are those who know they haven’t forgiven. The latter either believes it is impossible for them to forgive or are not willing to forgive. It is important to understand what forgiveness means. Forgiveness does not say that what happened was okay. Forgiveness does not give the persecutor permission to continue hurting us. Forgiveness does not mean that those involved have to become best friends. Forgiveness is all about the person who has been harmed. Forgiveness is a gift that we give ourselves. We make a decision that we do not want to carry resentments around any longer. Resentments rob our emotional buckets of joy and peace. Forgiveness allows us to move past terrible situations. Forgiveness allows us to heal. Many times forgiveness opens the door to restoration of relationships. Carl Menninger (unsure of exact quote) - “ If patients in psychiatric hospitals would believe that their sins could be forgiven, 70% of them could walk out the next day.” United News International KRSS March 6, 2009 - “Forgiveness is God’s gift to us to be able to live in a world that is not fair.” Find out more about forgiveness in my August, 2011 Love in Action Newsletter http://bit.ly/njHTGd

Be a Good Finder

2011-08-30T08:26:00.000-05:00

A recent drive took me through the farmland in my area which was recently hit by a hail storm. The corn crops looked like a field that I would normally see in November after harvest. In situations like these, it is difficult to find a good outcome. We all have storms in our lives which can put us in a spot of not being able to find the good. When we are not able to find the good in situations, we can turn to the word of God to help us. Psalm 138:7-8 offers such encouragement. “7Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You will revive me; You will stretch forth Your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and Your right hand will save me. 8The Lord will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy and loving-kindness, O Lord, endure forever--forsake not the works of Your own hands.” Strengthen your faith during hard times while God works behind the scenes to produce a good outcome designed specifically for you. Be an encourager who helps others find the good in storms of their lives.

2011-08-22T21:28:00.001-05:00

The month of August has gone by very quickly. The last three weeks seem like a blur. You’ve probably heard that if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans. What I had planned for the month certainly did not happen. As always, God’s plan was better because he is in control. He is the master planner. I am continuing to learn to "let go and let God". As I do this, God’s will is revealed through clear thoughts and new insights. God’s divine timing and order becomes apparent. This month I witnessed God working in the lives of many children. He became real to them and now their lives are changed for eternity. I trust even more in the goodness of God.

The Lord is good to all, and his compassion is over all that he has made. Psalm 145:9

Learn From Your Children

2011-08-11T07:20:00.000-05:00

This week at camp has really brought to light the scripture, Mark 10:15. There are a lot of very young campers here. It’s amazing how they “get it”. Jesus tells us - “I assure you, anyone who doesn’t have their (children) kind of faith will never get into the Kingdom of God.” I have witnessed this demonstrated all day long here at camp. We can learn great lessons from our children. Children are God’s blessings to us to learn from and to cherish. I have truly been blessed.

check out camp pics @ http://www.facebook.com/kenthomcounseling

2011-08-10T07:15:00.000-05:00

Camp begins its third day. Kids are tried, staff getting tired. God is faithful to re-charge us with Holy Spirit energy! Pray that all children will find the truth for their lives.

“You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32

check out camp pics @ http://www.facebook.com/kenthomcounseling

2011-08-09T07:56:00.000-05:00

As camp begins its second day, I am reminded of this verse. I pray that all I do and all that the staff does with the children this week will be pleasing go God. Pray that all children experience Jesus in a powerful way.

“Those who do what is true come to the light, so that it may be clearly seen that their deeds have been done in God.” John 3:21

check out camp pics @ http://www.facebook.com/kenthomcounseling

2011-08-08T09:22:00.001-05:00

As always, God is faithful. God took care of all the details and afforded me time to get ready for camp as well as get all my loose ends tied up. We are packed and laving for children's camp this morning.

Pray that all children will experience Jesus while at camp.

As you go, proclaim the good news. The kingdom of heaven has come near. Matthew 10:7

If you have seen my new Facebook page, I’d appreciate your comments.
Go to: http://www.facebook.com/kenthomcounseling.

2011-08-01T18:56:00.000-05:00

Parent Wisdom
Today is a new day. Unless I let go of yesterday, I cannot experience the full measure of God's grace. I cannot connect with my child when I am worrying about tomorrow. I encourage you to take time today and enjoy God peace and joy. Your child will appreciate you for doing this. God will rejoice and you and your child will be blessed.

God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And there was evening and there was morning, the first day. Genesis 1:5

If you have not seen my new Facebook page, I'd appreciate you taking a look and your comments.
Go to: http//www.facebook.com/kenthomcounsleing.

Harmony

2011-01-12T14:53:00.000-06:00

I look to God when I encounter diversity in my life. His love and understanding enhances our differences. His divine plan orchestrates the differences in to harmony in our lives.

May the God of steadfastness and encouragement grant you to live in harmony with one another, in accordance with Jesus Christ. ~ Romans 15:5

Hope

2011-01-03T18:35:00.001-06:00

As I focus on God's presence I become renewed. Each time I am renewed I am given new life. I bring this hope into my relationship with my child.

That your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you. ~Psalm 33:22

Gratitude

2010-12-06T17:46:00.001-06:00

I am grateful for God's presence in our lives. This awareness helps me face any challenge I have with my child. I face all dysregulation with strength, confidence, and faith.

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teach and admonish one another in all wisdom; and with gratitude in your heart sing psalms, hyms, and spiritual songs to God. ~Collosians 3:16

Trust

2010-12-04T15:44:00.000-06:00

Trusting in the Lord releases any fear that has a hold on me. Freedom from fear allows me to be a secure attachment figure for my child. We trust in the Lord together.

Trust in the Lord forever. ~ Isaiah 26:4

New Creation

2010-11-29T16:09:00.000-06:00

I close the door on my past by believing in Christ. My negative fear based attitudes are released and don't contaminate my relationship with my child. We are strengthened by our faith and have a joyful spirit.

So if anyone is in Christ, there is a new creation: everything old has passed away; see, everything has become new! ~ 2 Corinthians 5:17

Love

2010-11-22T15:29:00.001-06:00

God's love is the power that connects me to others and attracts others to me. I overflow with that which has been poured into me. This abundance of love radiates through my relationship with my child.

God's love has been poured into our hearts and the Holy Spirit that has been given to us. ~ Romans 5:5

Christ's Light

2010-11-16T21:32:00.001-06:00

It is my responsibility to be the light in the darkness for my child. I rely on Christ to keep my heart clean and pure. I leave the fears of the past where they belong - in the past and my light shines.

For it is God who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," who has shown in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. ~2 Corinthians 4:6

Welcome

2010-11-13T20:07:00.000-06:00

I purpose to provide a safe environment for my child. One in which he always feels welcome. We rest assured that we are welcomed by the Father.

“Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me; and whoever welcomes me does not welcome me but the one who sent me.” ~Mark 9:37

Blessings

2010-11-11T21:54:00.000-06:00

I am thankful for the opportunities to connect in love with my child. These opportunities feed and nourish our relationship. God provides more than enough bread of life.

Taking the five loaves and the two fish, he looked up to the heaven, and blessed and broke the loaves, and gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the crowds. ~Matthew 14:19

Good News

2010-11-09T11:52:00.000-06:00

I teach my child to reach out to others through words of support and good deeds. Together we express God’s love to others. Our relationship is strengthened by his joy.

They went out and proclaimed the good news everywhere, while the Lord worked with them and confirmed the message by the signs that accompanied it. ~Mark 16:20

Strength

2010-11-04T07:54:00.000-05:00

When my journey with my child becomes tiresome I turn to God. I know I can rely on God for sport and guidance. He supplies all we need.

Be strong and courageous . . . for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

Our Father

2010-10-31T17:48:00.001-05:00

I no longer feel like I am parenting my child alone. I am strengthened by my spiritual connection through others in Christ. I draw my child into the family of God.

One God and father of all, who is above all and through all and in all. ~Ephesians 4:6

Our Father

2010-10-31T17:48:00.000-05:00

Harmony

2010-10-27T08:29:00.000-05:00

When fear and dysregulation disrupts with order and harmony, I affirm all is well. I clear my mind of all concerns. I remain steadfast, knowing that God is in control.

My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast. ~ Psalm 108:1

Joy

2010-10-24T20:39:00.000-05:00

My joy is brief without the Lord. Only He can supply the joy that keeps my relationship with my child alive. Joy helps us overcome the fear in the world.

That the mirth of the wicked is brief, the joy of the godless last a moment. ~ Job 20:5

Edification

2010-10-20T16:09:00.000-05:00

I choose to use words that edify and encourage my child. Compassion is an essential ingredient in providing a secure base for my child.

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, as indeed you are. ~ Thessalonians 5:11

Example

2010-10-18T03:54:00.000-05:00

By staying centered in God, I become an expression of him. I am a Godly example to my child through wise choices. I seek to live with integrity and authenticity.

because I live, you will also live......I am in the Father, and you in me, and I in you. ~John 14:10,20

Fear

2010-10-14T19:59:00.000-05:00

I no longer allow fear to be my master. I affirm God's goodness and release any hold it has on me. I clearly see God being active in myself and my child.

No one can serve two masters. ~ Matthew 6:24

Born Again

2010-10-12T13:12:00.000-05:00

I don not allow sin and negativity to weigh me down. I am able to walk in freedom with my child. Christ restored us, and we walk in His life.

"I am the resurrection and the life. Those who believe in me, even though they die, will live." ~John 11:25

Forgiveness

2010-10-10T18:16:00.000-05:00

No matter how great I believe my mistakes to be, they are forgiven. My mistakes become my strengths. I am empowered to parent with greater wisdom.

For the sake of your name, O Lord, forgive my iniquity, though it is great. ~Psalm 25:11

Faith

2010-10-07T10:09:00.000-05:00

I realize that my faith is not dependent on my circumstances. I embrace God's peace and loving presence. My child and I move through our challenges with grace and ease.

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. ~2 Timothy 4:7

Fruit

2010-10-03T19:22:00.000-05:00

I choose kindness, acceptance, and compassion. As I do these simple acts I am an example of love in action for my child. No matter how small the act, it ultimately makes a difference.

The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. ~Galatians 5:22-23

Courage

2010-10-02T12:58:00.000-05:00

Today I choose courage. I refuse to let fear interfere in my love relationship with my child. I focus on the spirit of God in my life and trust God in all circumstances.

I have said this to you, so that in media you may have peace. In the world you face persecutions. But, take courage; I have conquered the world! ~John 16:33

Forgiveness

2010-09-28T20:55:00.000-05:00

My past no longer plagues me. I am free to connect in love with my child. I am forgiven.

Now forgive my sin once more and pray to the Lord your God to take his deadly plague away from me. ~Exodus 10:17

Protection

2010-09-27T20:28:00.000-05:00

Distractions of the world can move me from a state of love to a state of fear. I claim God's protection, support, and His promises. I bring this in to my relationship with my child.

He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways. ~Psalm 31: 11

Trust

2010-09-26T09:48:00.000-05:00

I let go of all the things that keep me stuck in the past - my negative expectations and doubts. They only lead to fear which takes me out of relationship with my child. I trust God to guide me forward and I expect only the best.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight. ~Proverbs 3:5

Harmony

2010-09-24T11:54:00.000-05:00

I choose to be regulated in order to be in a state of love. I connect to God and I'm in harmony with the good of all His creation. I can then bring joy, love, and peace into my relationship with my children.

Agree with God and be at peace; in this way good will come to you. ~ Job 22:21

God's Goodness

2010-09-21T18:32:00.000-05:00

I sow seeds of love and positive reformation into my child at every opportunity. I fully expect the seeds to grow into positive, good outcomes for my child. We are blessed by God's abundance of good.

Other seed fell in to good soil and brought forth grain, growing up in increasing and yielding thirty and sixty and hundred fold. ~Mark 4:8

Prayer

2010-09-20T19:38:00.000-05:00

In the midst of a challenge I may not see an immediate solution. I rest patiently in prayer, knowing that keeps me and my child in God's process. Prayer is our lifelong to God's limitless blessings.

Pray for us, so that the word of the Lord may spread rapidly and be glorified everywhere, just as it is among you.
~2 Thessalonians 3:1

Safety

2010-08-25T04:16:00.000-05:00

My child and I walk through our day knowing we are protected and safe. We are shielded from all stress and fear. We place our confidence in God.

Our soul waits for God, he is our help and shield. ~Psalm 33:20

Fear

2010-08-23T04:07:00.000-05:00

Just like lighting one small candle causes the darkness to go away, the light of God releases my fear. I take my child with me in prayer to connect with God's light. Our fears are released, we are comforted and strengthened.

The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear? ~ Psalm 27:1

Calm

2010-08-20T04:02:00.000-05:00

I am regulated by the Holy Spirit. I become a positive and calming influence to my child. My calm presence drives out any negativity in our relationship.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me in all the days of my life. ~ Psalm 23:6

Harmony

2010-08-19T07:59:00.000-05:00

God's spirit of love enables us to work together in harmony. My child and I take time to appreciate the little things God places in our lives. We are grateful for God's beauty in the nature around us.

May the Goddess debt fast as an encouragement, grant you to live in harmony with one another. ~ Romans 15:5

Peace

2010-08-18T07:39:00.000-05:00

By breathing and regulating peace enters in to my relationship with my child. We experience the healing power of God. God restores us - mind, body, and spirit.

Peace, peace, to the far and near, said the Lord; and I will heal them. ~ Isaiah 57:19

Forgiveness

2010-08-17T07:53:00.000-05:00

Lack of forgiveness blocks everything that I do. I need to begin with myself and let go of the past. God's presence enables me to move forward in relationship with my child with understanding and love.

How often should I forgive? As many as seven times? Jesus said to him, "Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy seven times." Matthew 18:21-22

Harmony

2010-08-11T03:47:00.000-05:00